"Mom, there's a pterodactyl in the cupboard."

Hey kids! Big Matt here with a blog. That's riiiiiight, a blog.
A few things to get off my mind. First of all, where are all the mimes anymore? I've heard stories about them and have seen them in black and white photos, but I've never seen a real, live mime. Can you still book them for parties?
Same goes for albinos. Can any of you actually produce an albino for me? I think they were both invented by the government as a scare tactic to keep people in line. One day they are going to tell us that albino mimes are attacking major US cities and we should all go out and buy lots of duct tape and batteries. Don't bite people.
Brings me to my beef. I walked through Oakland today and this jogger slowly bares down on me, closer...closer...closer until he meets me at an intersection. Than he's right beside me but he has to "keep up the pace" and jog in place until he can prance off. That bugged me all day. Why couldn't he just stop and wait like a normal person...why?
Ok, that's it, bye.

Letting the cat out of the bag before curiousity kills it,
Big Matt

ps- Happy Birthday Nang.

Big Fan

	Hello everyone.



	This is a historic moment for me as this is

officially my first "BLOG" ever.  I had a BLOG removed

from my liver once but that's neither here nor

there.

	Usually I can't stand people who change

allegiances of favorite sports teams but I have to admit

that I have become a hypocrite beginning with the Steelers

win over Miami in the hurricane.  That's the day I thanked

the Seahawks for 15 years of disappointment and became a

Steelers fan.  It became too hard to resist by that point;

I was fairly new to the city and hey, all my friends were

Steelers fans and it provided a good reason to drink beer

on a Sunday so I hopped on the Black and Gold bandwagon

by default.  You know, if it wasn't for default, I'd have nothing.

	Anyway, the loss to New England yesterday was hard

to take even being a rookie Steelers fan.  But I feel more

sorry for those Pittsburghers who have been waiting since

the 70's for another shot at a Super Bowl win.  I feel as

though rooting for the Steelers for the better part of the season

than enduring a crushing defeat in the AFC Championship

game is a kinda rite of passage toward become a true

Pittsburgher.

	Now I can no longer, under any circumstances, say

"soda" in place of "pop", but I must complain about potholes

and rubberneck every chance I get.  As far as football is

concerned I will try to make more jokes about Kordell Stewart

and hold a grudge against Neil O'Donnell for throwing 18

interceptions in the '95 Super Bowl.

	I also read a fun fact that more battered women show

up at shelters after a Steelers loss.  It must have been like

opening time on Black Friday for those shelters after the

Patriot loss.  I hope I never become such a fan that I

feel the need to beat a loved one if the Steelers have a bad game.



	Wait, yes I do.  Jesus! What kind of a fan am I?

The Baby Likes Boobs!

I don’t know if any of you are as flabbergasted as I am about some new billboards that keep popping up everywhere. Actually I bet most of you haven’t seen them. I will describe for you. It is a black background with white letters on it. And when you put the letters together to form words it reads “BABIES WERE BORN TO BE BREASTFED”. Ok, weird enough billboard if you ask me. But then I got to thinking, who wants me to breastfeed my yet to be born child? Could it be my local hospital? No. Could it be my OB/GYN? No. Is it my Mom? Not even close! Though I would appreciate some motherly advice on why the GOVERNMENT cares about my yet to be born baby!!! Yes that wonderful thing that runs our country, that tried to run my uterus…Is now telling me what I should and should not do with my breasts!!! You may say to yourself, “self, this can’t be true!” Well I did the homework. This ad campaign had a website: www.4women.gov. They don’t give out the “.gov” to just anyone. Then upon further scrutiny you will find it is funded by the US Department of Health and Human Services. Which brings me to the next question, are my tax dollars buying these ads? Now I will concede that it is very important to Breastfeed your newborn especially during the first few weeks. Something about immune system build up. But I don’t need the government to try to control me! I thought America was founded on freedom, the freedom to do with our breasts what we please. I thought as Americans we were suppose to dictate how the government functions. Well I didn’t vote for the lunatic in office and I sure didn’t ask him to worry about my breast and yet to be conceived children’s health. I guess since Washington if filled with boobs they decided to tackle the issue of boobs. All I say to them: “Is nothing sacred?”
So next time you drive past one of these billboards, say to yourself, or out loud “Do I want the government to control my body? I didn’t give up my vagina and I will not give up my boobs!”

Thank You for your time:
Teresa

better than bjournal or bdiary.

Lets get this out of the way. I am officially considering my contribution to this site a “weblo.” NOT a “blog.” Blog as a word looks ugly and sounds like a Shakespearean villain. But look, I saved us all time by taking the letter "g" off the end, so I am still “in the know.”

The holidays are over, except for little Christmas, which, I have been told, is when the wisemen brought the presents to the little baby J. However, these days scholars believe that is is the day when Baby J’s dried and and knotted umbilical cord fell off, revealing his sacred little belly button. Baby J was all: “History shall promptly forget this day.” Not anymore, Baby J. I think the Italians celebrate by putting their shoes outside their houses in hopes of getting frankincense or something…. I don’t really know, since I’m not one of them.

I am happy that the season is over, mostly because I don’t have to here the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” song. Or as I like to call it, “ The Rufies Song.” (Also known as “Date Rape Ditty.”)
These are the lyrics as I recall them:

Female: I gotta go.
Male: Aw, stay, its cold.
F: No really, gotta go.
M: The windchill makes it even more frigid.
F: My father, mother, brother, sister, and neighbors all know where you live.
M: In here it is warm
F: Maybe just a half a drink more…will you put down the knife if I do?
M: Bbrrrrrrrrrrr....
F: Say- what’s in this drink? I feel strange.
M: Gosh your lips look delicious
F: Are you touching me?! I feel numb, and sleepy. So tired…
M: What's the sense in hurting my pride
F: No means no.
M: You mean: No, you’re not going outside because of the inclement whether?
F: I am calling the police right now
M: If you caught pneumonia and died I would be sorrowful!
F: That’s so sweet! Ok I'll stay!
Cop: Is there a problem here?
F: Sorry officer, its all a misunderstanding.
----------------
See what I mean?

I am also glad I wont have to hear “White Christmas” anymore. While on most levels it’s lovely, I can’t stop analyzing it along racial/socio-economic lines and feeling a bit disturbed. Oh, infernal social conscience, where dost thou off-switch lie?

All that being said, I will miss all the free food and my family's soothing John Denver Christmas album. And I would like to brag about the fact that when I wrote my rent check yesterday, I did NOT accidentally write 2004. Writing 1-3-05 rolled right off my pen, natural as morning dew. I am so awesome.