Sunday, October 23, 2005


I've decided to declare war on Ellwood City

and heres why,
all too often this multi county stradling town has tourmented me, from it's nonsensical speed limits set up only for the purpose of making you accidently speed, to its resturantes thats staff looks down there nose at you if your from out-a-town.


You see for years Ellwood city has been laying in wait nestled near the beaver river almost all roads diverted around the city one way in and one way out, they have become entrirely isolationist having there own hospital, and news paper that only reports news that happens local, its like a real life truman show only the stars created the bubble in which they live.

now you may be saying to yourself , way declare war this town sounds nice and it doesnt seem to be doing any harm to any one,

not yet i say!!! but soon , Just look at the simalarities between Iraq and Ellwood City, both Citys have maps, both are near rivers , both have surrounding towns, yes soon the red dragon which is Ellwood City willl awaken and when that happens look out, we need to strike now before they're prepared
i think they may even have w.m.d's

so we should shoot first and ask questions later,
we must rally together to make sure Ellwood City does not take over the free world and i for one am ready to stop that bastard town at all costs

YOU HERE ME ELLWOOD CITY I WILL STOP YOU AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

joe eoj

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Week the NFL Killed my Spirits.

There is only one bad thing about having your favorite team play heavily on your fantasy football team…when they do badly you lose TWICE! My fantasy team consists of the Steeler’s defense, Big Ben and Randel El. (I also have Bettis, but I usually bench him). So not only was my heart broken by the Steelers on Sunday, it broke again today when I realized I have no chance of winning this week. Since Big Ben was a no go this week, so I played my back up-Mark Bulger. Yes I hear all of you saying, “Bulger is your BACK UP?” Well what does good old Mark do, he gets injured when he throws an interception.
So not only does he lose me points, he can’t even go back in to try and salvage my game! How dare he! Now I have no QB’s. Both of them are hurt. Don’t these NFL players know we Fantasy players have a lot riding on them. I guess not. I suppose I will just have to accept my 4-2 record and hope that by the end of the season I will come out on top, but it doesn’t look good.
Why do the Fantasy God's hate me so?

-T

Friday, October 14, 2005

a subtle lesson in profiling and cheapness

I have never used valet parking.
That’s right, faithful followers of Ask Joe Anything, Larry, that paragon of class has never used valet parking. Mostly because he’s also a paragon of cheapness.
But last night on the North Side of Pittsburgh the Gauntlet was thrown down: use valet parking or get ticketed.
Drew: “They said we had to use valet parking for this event.”
Me: “What if we don’t?”
Drew: “It’s permit parking only around here, you’ll get a ticket.”
Street Sign: F permit parking: 2 hour parking 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.
Joe: "Screw the man!"
It was 6:12. Why chance it?
Especially when further down the road the signs changed their tune.
New sign: 4 hour parking.
Ha, ha! Score! Almost. The 4 spaces were taken up by three cars. I cursed the Ford Taurus driver with bad parking skills. But as so often happens, while I was cursing, Joe spotted the answer.
“Look, parking meters!”
It was like a slice of revenge. We parked, I grabbed a handful of change. The sign said the meters were enforced only until 6 p.m. It was 6:14. Score a major victory for cheapness. I dropped the change into my pocket,
Joe: "Screw the man!"
We walked the two blocks to the place we were going, where we were confronted by the same security officer who had confronted Drew.
Officer: “You have to use valet parking for this event; it was part of the deal.”
Me: “What if we don’t?”
Officer: “It’s permit parking only around here, you’ll get a ticket.”
Joe: “What about where the meters are on that next street over?”
Officer: “There? Oh, you can park there at your own risk.”
Me: “We’re good!”
Joe: “What do you mean ‘own risk’?”
Officer: “Did you see that housing project you parked in front of?”
Me: “I saw a playground with about 10 teenagers playing basketball at dusk.”
Officer: condescending smile.
Joe: “I have a bad feeling.”
Me: "Screw the man! Remember?"
Officer: another condescending smile.
Joe: concerned look like he might not make it to his date.
Me: “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
Now, I’m not blaming this on parking in front of the housing project, by any means. I’m not blaming this on the officer and I’m not blaming it on me for saying, “what’s the worst thing that could happen,” although Joe is.
But some bad things happened.
The girl Joe was supposed to meet cancelled their plans. Wine cost $5 a glass. I tore the sole half way off my boot during Fade Right, leaving me making a whap-thWACK sound for two and a half games every time my left foot stepped. They took down the pasta bar before we could get seconds, I left my driver’s license and money in Joe’s backpack, preventing me from buying new shoes or anything that could stop the whap-thWACKing. Dave got stiffed on a tip at work, Bin Laden escaped for another day, Matt didn’t get a date (although this could hardly be my fault.) and I avoided the valets for another day.
But when the show was over, my car was still there, with no broken windows and a radio installed.
The weird thing is, when I parked I didn’t have a radio.
I should really go back and thank those kids. Who else would have put a radio in my car at night? That officer? I don’t think so.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Don't Toby Your Keiths Before They Hatch

Before the memories of the recent hurricanes drift out of the public's conscious, I need to elicit a tiny bit of criticism. I'm calling you out Toby Keith.

Before I chastise you, Toby, I want to give you a long overdue "thank you," Toby. Thank you for your kick-ass song Brought To You Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue as the dust cleared after 9/11. Since you've warned the terrorists of the world that you would "put a boot in their ass because it's the American way," how many attacks has the US sustained? Exactly!

However, you've really fudged-up recently, Toby. Katrina dive-bombs the Gulf Coast in true Taliban fashion and out of this tragedy comes no tunes. What's the deal? Where are you shakin' your fist at the sky, warning the next typhoon that lears near our coastlines that we'll cram a knuckle sandwich into it's rectum? ...And guess what Toby, Rita hits weeks later. Still no tunes. Thanks to your silence, any hurricane thinks it can just waltz onto our beaches like it's nobodys' business and pummel the shit out of us. You go from a 9/11 "Mother Freedom is ringin' her bell" mindset to a Katrina "Just feed it some poor negros and maybe it'll go away" mindset.
I'm saddened Toby, saddened.

BM

"Tis more plausible to pluck a thorn bush bare-handed than to pelt your own scrote with a tuning fork."
-ancient Chinese proverb