Month long drought causes price of trout real estate to skyrocket or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the 10 things I hate most
Hey rock and rollers, it's Big Matt. Those of you who know me have probably noticed; I am even a little bigger now than only a couple months ago.
I have been eager to jump on this "things I hate" bandwagon so I figure that now is the time. But first, I had another zombie dream last night. Ever since I saw Night of the Living Dead I have had recurring zombie dreams. Sometimes they chase me, sometimes I hunt them, and somtimes I spot one in the laudromat who slyly peeks over the top of her New York Times as I pretend to have been simply daydreaming while waiting for my second load to dry when our eyes meet and I blush sleepishly before she, with little hint of embarressment, loads her tattered undergarments as a worm crawls from her noseless hole and her jaw falls off.
Also, I have been invited to join 50 old buddies from high school (well, maybe 10 were actually buddies) in a softball tourney next weekend. Should I go? I'll just end up pretending to be excited to see them while answering with the phrase "Who...me? Just working, and hangin' out. How about you?" over and over. But if I do go, whichever team drafts me will have one of the best ex. Little League bunters in the game. And, in a pinch, I can have amazing range into foul territory on the first base site if, in fact, I get to play my old position of first base.
Ok, now, things I hate. I don't want to dwell on anything because I often barrell-roll into a tangent, which both the Pope and I know, isn't healthly for my pet koala that I gorge with a firepoker whenever I'm mad. So, I'm just gonna' let rip.
10. Week old Peeps- These are simply Easter's way of saying "Fuck you, see ya' next spring!"
9. The Sun- Nothing more than a giant ball of gas and fire. Find one practical use for it and then call me. Needless to say I won't be waiting by the phone.
8. Atlas- A crumby god with little redeeming quality. Does he really need to HOLD the Earth. If he knew the laws of physics, he'd know that the Earth would be just fine without him. Besides, what holds him? Now Neptune, he controls the beast of the deep, that's commendable.
7. Fog Horns- Wait. I like fog horns. Who doesn't like a good fog horn? I have one mounted on my unicycle.
6. When people pick scabs- Honestly, I get goose pimples and shutter when I see someone picking a scab. People who picks scabs make life unfair for those who don't.
5. Waking up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off- You know what I mean.
4. Waking up an hour after the alarm goes off- You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't. If you know anything, any obscure facts or odd statistics, be sure to email me at boweratbat@hotmail.com and I will include them in a new book I'm writing once I finish my current one, Cooking and Cleaning Circus Clowns.
3. Fog Horns- Come to think of it I hate fog horns. My grandfather was killed by a fog horn. He was standing too close to one when it sounded and it startled him so much that he fell overboard and was eaten by tiger sharks.
2. Tiger Sharks- See number 3.
1. Barometric Thermometers- Self explanitory.
That's it. BM out
I have been eager to jump on this "things I hate" bandwagon so I figure that now is the time. But first, I had another zombie dream last night. Ever since I saw Night of the Living Dead I have had recurring zombie dreams. Sometimes they chase me, sometimes I hunt them, and somtimes I spot one in the laudromat who slyly peeks over the top of her New York Times as I pretend to have been simply daydreaming while waiting for my second load to dry when our eyes meet and I blush sleepishly before she, with little hint of embarressment, loads her tattered undergarments as a worm crawls from her noseless hole and her jaw falls off.
Also, I have been invited to join 50 old buddies from high school (well, maybe 10 were actually buddies) in a softball tourney next weekend. Should I go? I'll just end up pretending to be excited to see them while answering with the phrase "Who...me? Just working, and hangin' out. How about you?" over and over. But if I do go, whichever team drafts me will have one of the best ex. Little League bunters in the game. And, in a pinch, I can have amazing range into foul territory on the first base site if, in fact, I get to play my old position of first base.
Ok, now, things I hate. I don't want to dwell on anything because I often barrell-roll into a tangent, which both the Pope and I know, isn't healthly for my pet koala that I gorge with a firepoker whenever I'm mad. So, I'm just gonna' let rip.
10. Week old Peeps- These are simply Easter's way of saying "Fuck you, see ya' next spring!"
9. The Sun- Nothing more than a giant ball of gas and fire. Find one practical use for it and then call me. Needless to say I won't be waiting by the phone.
8. Atlas- A crumby god with little redeeming quality. Does he really need to HOLD the Earth. If he knew the laws of physics, he'd know that the Earth would be just fine without him. Besides, what holds him? Now Neptune, he controls the beast of the deep, that's commendable.
7. Fog Horns- Wait. I like fog horns. Who doesn't like a good fog horn? I have one mounted on my unicycle.
6. When people pick scabs- Honestly, I get goose pimples and shutter when I see someone picking a scab. People who picks scabs make life unfair for those who don't.
5. Waking up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off- You know what I mean.
4. Waking up an hour after the alarm goes off- You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't. If you know anything, any obscure facts or odd statistics, be sure to email me at boweratbat@hotmail.com and I will include them in a new book I'm writing once I finish my current one, Cooking and Cleaning Circus Clowns.
3. Fog Horns- Come to think of it I hate fog horns. My grandfather was killed by a fog horn. He was standing too close to one when it sounded and it startled him so much that he fell overboard and was eaten by tiger sharks.
2. Tiger Sharks- See number 3.
1. Barometric Thermometers- Self explanitory.
That's it. BM out
